Angelic Rodgers
  • The Octave Thanet Project
  • About
  • Privacy
    • Angelic Rodgers >
      • Signed Copies of Homecoming >
        • Signed copies of Elegant Freefall

Tell People What You Need

8/16/2021

0 Comments

 
Picture
Wednesday mornings, we often have what we call Spanish Breakfast. We make a breakfast board, basically, with hard boiled eggs, cheese, different meats if we have them around, some fresh tomatoes or fruit. We call it Spanish Breakfast because it is modeled on the breakfast spread they served at Masia Sumidors in Sitges when we were there last. Last week, I did the thing I always do: I asked Dani if she wanted a little plate when I set the board on the breakfast nook table between our chairs.
Not surprisingly, she gave the usual answer she gives: "Nah, I don't think I need one."

I laughed and said, "Actually, I need to stop asking you that. I want us to have plates as it makes it easier to clean the table later. I want us to have plates, so I should just skip the question and put them out."

She laughed (and agreed).

Too often we don't ask for what we need--even if it is as simple as my need to have plates out. I'm the one who does the dishes 99% of the time, so I'm not sure why I felt the need for validation or for her to want a plate. I just should own my needs, no matter how small they are. 

But the problem is, we often don't really know what those needs are at the time, or how to express them. Some 30 years ago, I was in a psychologically abusive relationship with both myself and with someone else. That person didn't compliment me, or even really show me any appreciation for what I brought to the relationship. And trust me, I gave it my all, putting my own happiness and sanity at risk in an effort to "make it work" (I use quotation marks here because, as you can probably guess, it would never work. It was a dysfunctional relationship).

Anyway, my sister Renee came to visit and we were going to ride up to our parents' house together for the weekend. As we were in my little Martin Street garage apartment (the one I still have dreams about--the one that often has hidden rooms full of stuff stacked to the ceiling in those dreams) getting ready to hit the road, I put on a shirt I really liked and asked her, "Does this shirt make me look fat?"

Her answer is not really the point, but I will say her answer would make me laugh now. Now that I'm not in that broken place where I need validation for silly things like how I look in a shirt I like, I wouldn't even ask that question now. I might ask a question like, "Does this shirt look OK?" Or, "Do you think this is dressy enough for where I'm going?" Or something like that--an appropriate question to ask about a shirt. 

It's just a shirt, after all.

I wouldn't set a trap for my sister (or Dani, or anyone else) these days that makes my whole self-worth dependent upon the answer about a shirt.

You see, back then, what I needed was to tell her how miserable I was, how run down and how I lacked a clear sense of who I was. But I didn't tell her that, and I left her to try to figure all of that out by asking her if my shirt made me look fat. There are so many questions I could have asked her that would have actually led to a conversation that would have helped uncover what I needed, including:

Do you think X is normal in a relationship?

That one question would have gotten the ball rolling, no matter what shirt I was wearing.

Don't make people mind read. Most of us aren't any good at it. People tend to listen when you tell them what you actually need--and very rarely are they upset about it if you are honest about it. Tell the people you love what you need. Trust them enough to feel empathy for you and to help you. That you put your trust in them will far outweigh any awkwardness or disappointment they might initially feel when you reveal what you need to them.  I promise.
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Archives

    September 2022
    May 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    January 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    February 2017
    September 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    March 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014

    Categories

    All
    Agent Orange
    Apps
    Book Reviews
    Books
    Family
    #goals
    Indies
    Marketing
    NanoWriMo 2017
    NanoWriMo2020
    New Orleans
    Octave Thanet Project
    OER
    PhysicianFamily
    Podcasts
    Politics
    Research
    #resources
    The Huey Files
    The Other Half
    Tools
    Writing
    #writing
    Writing Software

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
  • The Octave Thanet Project
  • About
  • Privacy
    • Angelic Rodgers >
      • Signed Copies of Homecoming >
        • Signed copies of Elegant Freefall