I've got the perfect idea for Huey's next entrepreneurial venture. He should become the next Satan Seller. I surely could be his ghostwriter and editor.
If Huey isn't using me and my dark past as a great promo tool, he's missing out. Who wouldn't immediately fall in line after being told of the horrible Satanic Witch, who of course is a lesbian, that held sway over him? Her powers were so amazing that even in normal street clothes those in tune with the dark forces could identify her.
Once, when I came to Mississippi to visit Huey and to see my not-quite-yet girlfriend, one of his housemates immediately identified me as a threat because I was wearing a black t-shirt that had Elizabeth Montgomery's face on it with the quip: "I'm such a witch!" next to it. She shyly asked if I was a good witch or a bad witch. Even though I just shrugged and smiled, she had my number. She called the cops on me later that night because she was sure I'd poisoned her Lady Speed-Stick.
Well, now I'm offering to help even more. Why just make use of me in testimony in person? Why not exploit my love of the dark arts to further your Christian-based life-coaching? Self-help books are a huge profit-maker and attention getter, after all.
Why not become 2016's Mike Warnke? With me as the ghostwriter, See, even the role of "ghostwriter" sounds spooky and scary. It's perfect! I can help Huey avoid the sticky time line and ritualistic inaccuracies that led to Warnke's undoing, surely.
Oh, and I can fix that annoying habit he has of writing "alot" as one word. (Hint: It is always two words: a lot).
If you don't know who Mike Warnke is, I'm not surprised. Back in the late 1980s, Warnke was a big deal among those who sought to eradicate Satanism. Warnke was not only an author of books like The Satan Seller, in which he details his life as a Satanic High Priest, but he was also a stand-up comedian. His oft-used jokes included "Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?" and "How can you tell when yogurt has gone bad?"
Think I'm making that up? Go check out some of his stand up on YouTube.
I encountered Warnke's book the year it hit big--1988. It was loaned to me by a friend of mine in high school. She was very much into Christian rock and all things Christian at the time. She worried about me, I guess, and hoped that exposing me to Warnke would wake me up and save me. I'm sure my purchase of a copy of Anton LaVey's The Satanic Bible on a band trip where we stopped in Little Rock and went to McCain Mall added to her worries.
A little bit of background: My family had what I consider a very solid approach to religion. My mother is (and was then) what I suppose many would call a lapsed Catholic. Even had she been a Mass goer when I was in high school, she would have had only one choice of place to worship. My father converted so they could marry in the church. We were all baptized in the Catholic church as well.
Growing up, we knew where the Bible was in our house. We were not discouraged from reading it, nor did anyone avoid discussions about religion or religious matters. Any time I came home and asked if I could go to church with a friend, there was never any hesitation. I knew that had I decided I wanted to go to church--whatever church I chose--I would be able to get there.
So, I grew up with this very open approach to religion. It wasn't used as a threat over me, nor was it used as a way of modifying my behavior. We had solid morals in our family, just the same. We knew and practiced various versions of the Golden Rule, for example, including "watch whose butt you're kicking on the way up, because you'll be kissing it on the way down."
Once, I went to church with the friend who loaned me the Warnke book. I found the change in her behavior while in church more confusing and terrifying than I ever found a Ouija board (even when it would spell out the serial number on the Greatest Hits of Jethro Tull in complete accuracy). I also dated a guy in high school who was a Catholic and have attended Mass multiple times.
The Catholic kind, not the Black Mass kind.
(You'll probably hear about Catholic guy later on. It's a mess of a story.)
One of the earliest courses in the Honors College course sequence in 1988 was a semester that focused on world religions. All students were required to pick a religion other than mainstream Christianity to research and report out on at the end of the course. As with my earlier experiences at home this course presented a diverse array of systems of belief.
And, of course, the same basic tenants are universal among all of the religions of the world (I suspect this comes as no surprise to most folks likely to land here).
Currently, I would probably say I'm agnostic. While atheism certainly makes sense to me, I can't let go of magic, superstition, and love of ritual. If you've read any of the Olivia Chronicles you probably already know my current religion of inquiry, which is Voudou. I tend to be more of an explorer than a practitioner, but I do have a nice collection of tarot, as well as some various idols strewn throughout my office. Buddha and Ganesh are watching over me from a shelf as I type this and I've got a great Baron Samedi candle I scored at World Market a couple of years ago somewhere.
Having said that, though, I think that I would make a perfect ghostwriter for Huey if he wants to expand into writing a book of his own testimony in the vein of Mike Warnke. Sure, Warnke was exposed as a fraud by Cornerstone magazine in 1992, but he sure is entertaining. Just think about the kind of new wave Huey could start if he penned a far more scholarly and accurate book that details the practices and beliefs of the likes of crazy feminist pagans like me! I'd take the profits, of course, since really all Huey is likely be concerned about are the souls of the many readers that he (I, really, as the ghostwriter) scares into the arms of the church!
We could totally do some promotional videos. I wonder if he has any of those photos from his wrasslin' days as the Misfit? Did the video tapes of your matches survive all of these years? YouTube is a great vehicle for making that kind of thing go viral, and if the huge collection of Warnke stand up videos are any indication, I'd say promo videos that show how he went from the Misfit to the Minister would be a hit.
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